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Jun. 24th, 2017 at 9:47am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #1
As promised, here are the female jokes today after I posted the male jokes yesterday:

How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her.

A quiet man is a thinking man.
A quiet woman is usually mad.

Why is life like a penis?
Women make it hard!

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Single!

What do you call a woman with no clitoris?
It doesn't matter. She's not going to come.

What book do women like the most?
Their husbands checkbook!

Whats another term for women?
Finger puppet

What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

What is the definition of eternity?
The time that elapses from when you come till she goes.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
Because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A knife has a point.

How much money do you need to satisfy a woman?
It is always just a little bit more.

How is a woman like an airplane?
Both have cockpits.

What takes up 12 parking spaces?
6 women drivers.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.

What do you give a woman with everything?
Penicillin.

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator is easier to defrost.

What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

What do you call a girl with PMS and ESP?
A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.

Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Why do women stretch and yawn?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

What do you call a sunburnt girl with a yeast infection?
Grilled cheese.

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.

What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$4.99 a minute.

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
It's braille for "suck here."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, feminists can't change anything.

What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
Single.

Why did God invent the yeast infection?
So women, too, could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What is a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

Why did God create orgasms?
So women can moan even when they're happy.

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share."

Why did God make women?
You think He's gonna wash the dishes?

What's the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a dick down a woman's throat.

What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why shouldn't you lie to a woman with PMS and GPS?
Because she's a bitch and she will find you.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
Cum in five different flavors.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Why does a man like to see two women kiss?
Two less mouths that are bitching.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why do women wear underwear?
Because workplace health and safety states all manholes must be covered when not in use!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the stove.

Why hasn't a female been to the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

What do you call an all women workplace?
Unsupervised.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
So they will match the stove and fridge!

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

How is a woman like an airplane?
Both have cockpits.

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Why do women have such small feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
The microwave, the other two leak when they're fucked.

What do you call a girl who doesn't give head?
You don't!

Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly any more and you start talking bullshit.

Why can't you trust a woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Why do most men die before their wives?
They want to!

What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
Wedding Cake!

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones!

Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
Because they need all their blood for their varicose veins.

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

How do you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel.

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
She has her tampon behind her ear and she can't find her cigarette.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Why do women have pussies?
So men will talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What does a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
Her ankles.

Why is our salary like a woman's period?
It comes once a month, lasts only four or five days, and if it doesn't come, it means you're fucked.

What is the definition of "making love?"
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What's better than winning the WNBA championship?
Being able to pee standing up.

What do you call a woman with 4 legs?
Doggy Style.

What's the difference between a dog barking in the back yard and a woman yelling on the front porch?
The dog shuts up after you let it in.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why do they call it PMS?
Because the term "mad cow disease" was already in use.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She's already been told twice.

Statistics show that 25% of all women use prescription psych medication. This is horrible. It means 75% of the female population is untreated.
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:28am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #2
I think I'll just give you the look
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:31am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #3
Hey, I was nice and told the male jokes first.
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:33am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #4
I only joined today so didn't get to see them
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:34am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #5
They're still posted in the Jokes Forum.
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:35am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #6
How do l do that?
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:36am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #7
Look in the Jokes Forum...the same place you found these jokes.
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:37am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #8
Ok will go look
Jun. 24th, 2017 at 10:44am
Ignore User   |   Report Post   |   Reply w/ Quote     #9
Read them you're forgiven lol
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