===================================================================================
A penis and a toe were talking one day. The toe said to the penis, "Man, I have the worst life. All day I am stuck inside a smelly shoe, and my master is clumsy, so I always get hurt." The penis responded, "Oh, yeah? My master makes me do push-ups until I throw up!"
======================================================================================
Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is masturbating!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"
====================================================================================
There once was a man whose religion said that he had to be naked all the time. Not wanting to go against his religion, he went everywhere naked – even to the supermarket. One day he went shopping for Lifesavers and gum. As he was heading toward the counter to pay for his candy, he saw three nuns come into the store. He thought, "I don't want these nuns to see me and preach to me about how I should wear clothes." Not having anywhere to hide, he stood very still and pretended to be a mannequin. The three nuns walked up to him and were very curious. The first one went up and yanked on the man's penis, and the man dropped the Lifesavers. The nun picked them up and showed them to the others saying, "Look, I got Lifesavers." The second nun went up to the man and pulled on his penis, and the man dropped his gum. The nun picked it up and said, "Look, I got gum." Not wanting to go home empty-handed, the last nun went up to the man, yanked on his penis, and said, "Look, I got hand lotion."
=============================================================================================
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
==============================================================================================
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude – and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"

He answers, "Pepper."
==============================================================================================
John was having problems pleasing his wife, so he went to see a sex doctor. The doctor tells John he'll do better in bed if he masturbates before having sex. John leaves, and on his way home he decides he'll have sex when he returns. So he finds a nice open spot on the side of the road and pulls over. He gets under the car, closes his eyes, and proceeds to "check the axel" under his car. About 5 minutes later he feels a tug on his pants, and not wanting to see who it is, he asks, "Who is it?" "It's the police – what do you think you're doing?" With his eyes still closed, John replies, "I'm checking my car's axel." The cop says, "Well, you'd better check your brakes, too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
==============================================================================================
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
============================================================================================
A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day."

The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out.

Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?"

The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!"

"No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"
==============================================================================================
A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure – what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure – what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 18-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."
===============================================================================================
Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"
==============================================================================================
This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to the store, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy is thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with tap water, some of his dog's feces, and his wife's urine – and to top it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down to the drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all, your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow if you keep masturbating!"
===============================================================================================
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms – so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny – I dreamed I was skiing!"
==============================================================================================
A guy starts his first day of work as the secretary of a sex clinic. The head doctor is showing him around the place, when they happen upon a man masturbating in the hall. "Whoa! What's going on there?" the guy asks. The doctor answers, "Oh, he has the disease hyper-spermatogenesis. If he doesn't ejaculate at least 7 times a day, his testicles will swell up and explode." So they continue the tour, and they pass a room where a beautiful female nurse is pleasuring a man orally. "What's going on there?" asks the secretary. The doctor replies, "He has the same problem as the masturbator – but he's got better insurance."


============================================================================================
This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My penis is turning orange!" The doctor says," Well, what do you do for a living?" The man replies, "I'm unemployed. I just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching pornos."
=============================================================================================
A cowboy is out riding when he encounters an American Indian lying on the ground with his shirt open, buckskins down to his ankles, and a perfect erection pointing to the sky. The cowboy asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The man on the ground replies, "I'm finding out the time."

The cowboy says, "Huh? How does that work? I've never heard of such a thing."

The Indian says, "Oh, it's an old custom, but a white man could never get the hang of it. See, it's like a sundial. I can tell the time by how the shadow falls."

"I see," says the cowboy. "So what time is it?"

"About quarter to 11," says the Indian.

The cowboy thanks him and rides on. Some time later, he comes across another Native, again with his britches down and an erection. The cowboy asks the time.

"Almost 2:30," says the man on the ground.

"Thanks," says the cowboy, and moves on again. A couple of hours later, he comes across a third Indian, pants down with erection pointing skyward – only this guy is masturbating with great determination.

The cowboy says, "Hey, I met some of your buddies today, and they showed me how they tell the time – but what are YOU doing?"

He answers, "Winding the clock."
==============================================================================================
There was an elderly couple who wanted to have a child. They went to the doctor, and the doctor told them they were rather old to have a child, but he decided to test the man for a sperm count anyway. He gave them a jar to take home and told the man to produce a sperm sample and bring the bottle back to the office.

Two days later, the couple went back to the doctor's office. The man told the doctor there was a problem. "I tried with my right hand, and then I tried with his left hand, but no results," he said. "Then my wife tried with her right hand and also her left hand, and she even used her mouth – with her teeth in and her teeth out – but we still couldn't get the lid off the jar."
==============================================================================================
When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
===========================================================================
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack & Jill. However, Both Jack & Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.

So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma.

"Hey Jill, I have a problem."

"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks

"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"

"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
======================================================================================
How did Pinocchio know he was made out of wood?
He got splinters on his hand after masturbating.
========================================================================================
Two people is a twosome

Three people is a threesome

That is why they call me handsome
===========================================================================
If moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
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What do you call a 90-year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
===============================================================================
How did the mother know her daughter was masturbating during her period?
She was caught red-handed.
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I WAS SEXUALY ACTIVE AT 12 , ITS NOW 12:30 AND MY RIGHT ARM IS KILLING ME
===========================================================================
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
=================================================================================
Little Johnny walks into his big brother's room and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?" says Little Johnny.

"I'm making man-gravy," says his brother. A few moments later, he squirts his load onto his chest. Then he gets some tissues and starts to clean it up.

"You said you were making man-gravy," says Little Johnny. "How come you made it if you're not eating it?"

"Well," says Little Johnny's brother, "man-gravy is a lot more fun to cook than it is to eat."
==============================================================================
What's the difference between good and great?

Good is 2 tissues; great is 4 tissues.
==================================================================================
A guy with a small cock who likes to jerk off into condoms has a hard-on, unrolls a condom on, and starts stroking. Only a few strokes in, and the condom starts smoking. The guy doesn't stop--after all, when you've got your hand on your cock, there's not much that can get in the way of that-- and the condom keep smoking. Soon the smoke forms itself into a man standing by the guy's bed.

"Thank God! I thought I was going to have to stay in that thing forever!" says the genie (because it was a genie). "No one ever buys the small condoms. I'll give you three wishes."

The man, whose only thought is on what's going on between his hand and his cock, says, "I'd like a bigger cock."

Foosh! His cock doubles in size. It feels amazing. He's enjoying jerking off the whole length of it, and he thinks, well, two is better than one, right?

"I wish I had two cocks like this," he says.

Foosh! He's got two massive cocks, both rock-hard, and he jerks them both off like he's skiing. The pleasure is incredible. And he thinks, well, can't I do better...?

"I wish I had genitals that could give me the most pleasure a human is capable of experiencing," pants the man.

Foosh! The penises turn into a vagina.
========================================================================================
If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change, are you being unfaithful?
==============================================================================
You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.
====================================================================
Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick
=========================================================================
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

=========================================================================================
A young man and a girl were on a date. He was getting hot and finally said, "Let's f***". She said, "Oh no. I never do that". So he said, "Well, how about a blow job". She said, "Oh no. I don't do that either". Finally he said," How about giving me a hand job." She said she didn't know how to do that. So he said, " You remember when you were a kid, you used to shake a soda bottle until the pressure built up and it squirted? Just do it like that." So she took hold of his c*** and began. Soon he was groaning and moaning. And suddenly began to scream.
She said, "What's the matter?"
He screamed, "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE END OF IT."

======================================================================================
An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"
===========================================================================================
Three nurses working in a morgue

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. The 1st nurse says, ‘I can’t let that go to waste’, and rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The man replies ‘I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!’

How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
Your husband wakes up.



What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.



Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than Nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.



Why is my penis bigger than yours?
Because I'm jerking off right now.



Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.



What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.



Masturbation is cheap, clean, safe and satisfying...
but it's lonely.



If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change,
are you being unfaithful?



You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.



How did Pinnochio discover he was made of wood?
His right hand caught on fire.



What did the horney toad say to the frog.
RUBIT..RUBIT.



What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince wakened Snow White
from her deep sleep?
Well, I guess it's back to jerking off!"



What's the difference between a penis and a magic lanern?
If you rub your dick 3 times, it's not a genie that's going to come.



Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.



If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."



What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!



"A man convicted of masturbating in public has recieved a helping
hand from a judge..."
Either the judge is far too close to his work,
or the proofreader isn't.



How are masturbation and Euchre similar?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.



How is life like a cock?
When it's soft you can't beat it.



What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.



If a guy breaks his left hand, how's his sex life?
It's all right.



What's this? (Make a fist and kiss each knuckle.)
Foreplay before masturbation.



What is the real definition of Miracle Whip?
Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man.



What do you call a guy who sits in the balcony at a porno flick?
A tier jerker!



What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.



Jack is nimble, Jack is quick,
but Jill prefers the candlestick



What's it called when a Preppie masturbates?
Jacuzzing Off.



Did you hear about the guy that climbed to the top of
the Empire State building to masturbate?
Police didn't know whether to arrest him for indecent
exposure or for Hijacking.



Arnold Palmer was walking with his son.
His son asked, "Dad, How do you JACK-OFF"???
Arnold replied, "Son, It's all in the wrist."



Girl in movie theater: The man next to me is masturbating!"
girlfriend: "Ignore him."
Girl: "I can't, he's using my hand!"



What happened when the armless guy attempted masturbation?
He was stumped.



How is a medieval masturbator like an ocean wave?
They're both pounding serfs.



What is the female equivalent to "pocket pool"?
Playing the slots.



Why do preachers masturbate?
Because God helps those who help themselves.



What's another term for jerking off?
A gland slam.



What's a masturbator's favorite holiday?
Palm Sunday.



"Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?"
"No!"
"Pretty good hiding place, huh?"



Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.



Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was
filling one out the other day and I got to the part that
says "Sex."
Well, I prefer to 'F,' but I'm usually alone, so I had
to circle 'M'."



Our protagonist goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta
help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The man says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"..
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife
who gives me a blow job during the ride to work..
Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go
into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young
office girls...
At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
bonking...
For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing...
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches...
Then at night I give the missus another screw...
"Well," said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?

To get oxygen to his brain!

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

There after he quickly realized that he couldn't seperate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work

.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!"

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You mean Measles?"
Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"

Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

What does 70-year old pussy taste like?
Depends

Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good but you wonder who was there before you.

A boy walked up to a sexy girl and said "can I have your pussy?" "Sure," she said and handed him her cat. "He was getting old anyway!"

What do you call the spot between the pussy and asshole?
The chinrest

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What did the dick say to the pussy?
I'll always have my ins and outs with you.

How do you know you have an overbite?
If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

How do we know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy cause you have to leave your bags outside!

What is the difference between eating sushi and eating pussy?
The rice

Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
That's what's left after you take the PU out of pussy.

The teacher asked Jimmy "why do you have your cat at school today?" Jimmy replied crying "because I heard my daddy tell mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!"

Girl: " i can't wait to go home and pat my pussy
Boy:" can i come over an watch?"
Girl: "sure"
When they arrive the girl goes over to the couch and starts patting her cat