Jun. 23rd, 2017 at 9:16am
Fear not...tomorrow I'll post the female jokes...just wanted to get the more difficult target out of the way first...lol..
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man?
Around.
What does a penis and an ego have in common?
All men have one!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
What is the difference between a man and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead before ripping your heart out.
How can you tell if your man is happy?
Who cares?
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
What do you give a man with everything?
Penicillin.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a guy who masterbates more than twice a day?
A Terrorwrist
What do you call a man with an opinion?
Wrong.
Why don't women blink during sex?
There isn't enough time.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their DNA.
What do you call a married man vacuuming?
Doing what he's told.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.
Why are good men like parking spaces?
The good ones are already taken!
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do men exercise?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs?
They take a lot of lip and they dont talk back.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did God invent men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
All of those already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How do you stop a man from raping you?
Throw him the remote control.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!
What is the difference between a man and a tree?
One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after Sex?
Mace.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent man?
Bigfoot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why do most men prefer cats over dogs?
Because we hate bitches but we love us some pussy.
...and for you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen...remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the most common sleeping position of a man?
Around.
What does a penis and an ego have in common?
All men have one!
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
What is the difference between a man and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead before ripping your heart out.
How can you tell if your man is happy?
Who cares?
When would you want a man's company?
When he owns it.
What do you give a man with everything?
Penicillin.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a guy who masterbates more than twice a day?
A Terrorwrist
What do you call a man with an opinion?
Wrong.
Why don't women blink during sex?
There isn't enough time.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their DNA.
What do you call a married man vacuuming?
Doing what he's told.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.
Why are good men like parking spaces?
The good ones are already taken!
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do men exercise?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs?
They take a lot of lip and they dont talk back.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why did God invent men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
All of those already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How do you stop a man from raping you?
Throw him the remote control.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!
What is the difference between a man and a tree?
One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper?
We don't know. It's never happened.
What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after Sex?
Mace.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent man?
Bigfoot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why do most men prefer cats over dogs?
Because we hate bitches but we love us some pussy.
...and for you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen...remember... that's where the knives are kept.
